February’s Endings

As the second month of the year draws to a close, it feels unusually overdue. Time has been moving quite slowly in my world, due mostly to my recent hermiting tendencies and self-focus.
I’ve been living off Portal for the last month, house sitting a friends apartment and the calendar tends to flip slower when I’m not on the water. It’s part of the ‘deal’ Charlie and I have had to work on – how to divide our one tangible joint asset: the boat. As any ending relationship is, it has been a difficult and emotional process. I owe you, my community, for the heartfelt support and non-judgement you have offered us. If I haven’t personally said it yet, Thank You.
We have finally settled on a deal – he has Portal to himself for February, I move back in, alone, in March and buy out his share of her value. We now both feel significantly better and some of the tense frustrations have dissipated.
I also started a pretty hectic, time-demanding job at the start of the year, workshop manager at Reid Cycles. It has been challenging but rewarding and despite working massive hours, I’m glad to be playing with bikes again.
You know how they say don’t make more than one big life change at a time? Home, Work, Love. Oops.
I’m accustomed to change though and the obvious truth is, it sits well with me. My reaction has been to take a time-out for myself, focusing on meditation, health and diet. It’s liberating to be sleeping 8 uninterrupted hours a night, to be filling my body with green smoothies and veggie/raw-rich meals, to spend my precious free-time cycling around my city or going to the cinema alone or shopping and cafe hopping, a good book always at hand. A part of myself that had been long neglected is developing again, and yes that’s partly due to a change in my love life, but it also has a lot to do with being back in my ‘hometown’, in a challenging new job, and for the first time in a long time, not thinking about boats or projects or travel plans (much).
After two months of lone-living though, I’m starting to emerge again, make more plans with friends, stay out past 10 occasionally and even consider inviting others to join me at the movies! Sometimes I worry this will get harder again, but maybe it’s all been too hard for too long, and maybe all (at least most) of the tears have fallen. Maybe it’s time to just let love flow it’s flow, to sit in fields of green grass, sun on my face, smile on my lips, and just say “be here now”.

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One thought on “February’s Endings

  1. I stumbled across your blog when looking for information on a Pacific 30 sailboat and looking at web photographs brought me to your 30 foot Cape Dory. I got stuck reading your entries (to the end) and how your writing has improved over the years and how your experiences have brought such colour and emotion to your stories. I too have bicycled Holland, sailed the BVI (just got back), biked and hiked through the Canadian Rockies (1200 km on abandoned railway lines which weren’t so flat, see Kettle Valley railway) and now yearning for more adventures on the sea.. Be it we are years apart, I have three kids your age and divorced. The movement you encourage we lived like that in the seventy’s and I am pleased to see it has made full circle. On speaking about love I don’t think it is the norm or normal for us to be with the same partner for a lifetime, your heart will be lighter and healed when you completely forgive Charlie and let him and yourself be the free spirits you where meant to be. Trust in knowing your paths will cross again as they have in the past, maybe not as deeply but more respectful and with more understanding. We are mere bubbles of spirit bouncing around this universe which was meant to be experienced and enjoyed.
    Cheers, now back to looking for a basic sailboat.. now maybe a Cape Dory?

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