A shitty entry

After reading page after page of a most honest blog (http://www.crazyguyonabike.com/doc/?o=3Tzut&doc_id=2920&v=J6) I feel the need to scribble, and today it’s not all bubbles and buttons.

Life has been good to me, for sure, and the path has lead down many a happy road… beautiful people there just when you need them, and when they’re not, a rainbow, a train, a sign of good things to come.

But there are other days too. Days when you feel your humanity with a sting. When you realise comfort does count, and there’s only so much hoboing one woman can do. When your mothers full fridge never looked so good and dreams are filled with nothing but long conversation over cups of tea. When you’re heart is strained and your body sprained… your mind not broken, but close. When a summer’s day, just one hot summer’s day, you’re sure would cure everything.

Speaking to family on the phone this morning, I remembered how long it had been since I heard their voices. Truly a world away is a father I wish I knew better, a sister to teach me a lot more, and another just married. Lives spinning so fast no high-speed technology would come close to filling me in. My own world revolving faster everyday too… time dwindling down… and I know, I know, I know there is no time, it’s all here for the living, right here, but there IS a tightening in my chest and a gurggling in my belly. Fears so hard to hush. Will I make this happen? This dream so near I can taste its sweetness? A finished film and a boat into the wild… an irrational confidence tells me OF COURSE! The faith that it all comes true in the end, that fantasies will be fulfilled at the height of ecstacy, remains strong… but smashing those little anxieties isn’t so easy. 

Restless nights spent questioning everything, what if, and if so, and then what? How much can an American Consulate Official crush you? And just when your mind has quietened, you’ve regained control and you’re ready to experience it all… your body gets a U.T.I and lets you down.

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2 thoughts on “A shitty entry

  1. Your irrational confidence comes from your truth, your love, your faith in your soul/universe that it will ALWAYS create the most beautiful of experiences for you in every moment. Quieten your mind, let your heart do feeling, don’t think about the thinking. Love will happen and so will you.

    To quote a classic

    “I’m afraid that some times
    you’ll play lonely games too.
    Games you can’t win
    ’cause you’ll play against you.

    All alone!
    Whether you like it or not,
    Alone will be something
    you’ll be quite a lot.

    And when you’re alone there’s a very good chance
    you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
    There are some, down the road between hither and yon
    that can scare you so much you wont want to go on.

    But on you will go
    though the weather be fowl.
    On you will go
    though you enemies prowl.
    On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
    Onward up many,
    a frightening creek,
    though your arms may get sore
    and your sneakers may leak.

    On and on you will hike
    and I know you’ll hike far
    and face up to your problems
    whatever they are.

    You’ll get mixed up of course,
    as you already know.
    You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.
    So be sure when you step.
    Step with care and great tact
    and remember that Life’s
    a Great Balancing Act.
    Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
    and NEVER mix up your right foot with your left.

    And will you succeed?
    Yes! You will indeed!
    (98 and 3/4% guaranteed.)

    KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!!!!

    So…
    be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
    or even Lil-ly Pil-ly Peace….let’s say,
    you’re off to Great Places!
    Today is your day!
    Your mountain is waiting.
    So…. get on your way!!

    I hope when you wake up in the morning you feel the sun singing.

    Lots of love, beautiful angel
    xxo

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