After reading page after page of a most honest blog (http://www.crazyguyonabike.com/doc/?o=3Tzut&doc_id=2920&v=J6) I feel the need to scribble, and today it’s not all bubbles and buttons.
Life has been good to me, for sure, and the path has lead down many a happy road… beautiful people there just when you need them, and when they’re not, a rainbow, a train, a sign of good things to come.
But there are other days too. Days when you feel your humanity with a sting. When you realise comfort does count, and there’s only so much hoboing one woman can do. When your mothers full fridge never looked so good and dreams are filled with nothing but long conversation over cups of tea. When you’re heart is strained and your body sprained… your mind not broken, but close. When a summer’s day, just one hot summer’s day, you’re sure would cure everything.
Speaking to family on the phone this morning, I remembered how long it had been since I heard their voices. Truly a world away is a father I wish I knew better, a sister to teach me a lot more, and another just married. Lives spinning so fast no high-speed technology would come close to filling me in. My own world revolving faster everyday too… time dwindling down… and I know, I know, I know there is no time, it’s all here for the living, right here, but there IS a tightening in my chest and a gurggling in my belly. Fears so hard to hush. Will I make this happen? This dream so near I can taste its sweetness? A finished film and a boat into the wild… an irrational confidence tells me OF COURSE! The faith that it all comes true in the end, that fantasies will be fulfilled at the height of ecstacy, remains strong… but smashing those little anxieties isn’t so easy.
Restless nights spent questioning everything, what if, and if so, and then what? How much can an American Consulate Official crush you? And just when your mind has quietened, you’ve regained control and you’re ready to experience it all… your body gets a U.T.I and lets you down.